IN TOO DEEP

“I don’t want to feel like this.

Like no one is coming.

Like I’m drowning in sadness.

Like it doesn’t matter if I’m alive or not.

Like I need saving from myself.

I’ve been here before.

I know it will pass.

Trying to remember the triggers, it makes me realize that a big part of this is resentment caused by my feelings towards someone else.

I need this pain to stop.

I need to regain the power back.

Things might seem “not that deep”, but in all fairness, I’m in too deep and he isn’t.

Like I said, I’ve been here before and this is me acknowledging that it needs to stop. My persistence in this situation isn’t a good thing. This familiar feeling of wanting love and not getting it reciprocated in the way you want is so darn painful and embarrassing. But I know this isn’t a reflection of me, but his insecurities. Men’s insecurities or vulnerabilities are causing my emotions to get triggered and I don’t want to be here anymore.

Somehow I really know how to pick them. The one’s that are “like a drug”, but don’t want to openly, fully and honestly commit. It’s my hard moment of truth and reflection. I encourage this bullshit behavior and allow it too. I play the games and don’t draw the boundaries. I really just need to cut the cord, old and new, and properly give me room and permission to move on.”